Happiness is...being you

I have been pouring through Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project this past week (absolutely amazing and inspiring) and have come to realize what may be a stumbling block in my quest for a true self-portrait. That is the acceptance of my own true self. Rubens talks about how she used to not tell people about liking certain things, like reading Harry Potter, she was nervous about letting parts of herself show because of what people might think, and pretending to like things because it seemed like she should.

I can completely sympathise with Rubin in this because as an artist I have always felt out of place. I have never felt cool enough or arty enough to be a fine art photographer, because if you're a fine art photographer my age you must be one of the two.

I've always felt too...normal I guess, uninteresting. I dress too preppy, I don't enjoy arty films, I don't hang out at dive bars, buy all my clothes second hand or read Tolstoy. But as I come to terms with what I do enjoy I am going to try and let that show in my images, because even though I don't fit what I see as the criteria to be a fine art photographer I am one and I am going to start finding joy in what I like, like hamburgers, romcom trash and spy novels. Heck, I'm a feminist who loves to bake while listening to Jimmy Buffett, such a hodgepodge makes me special (I just love the word hodgepodge). The photographs over the next few months are going to be quite a mix and hopefully quite me.

How do you differ from the image you have of your profession?

The Quest Continues

My quest to find a good self-portrait goes on. I think these are pretty good, they don't show my face but they do give a bit of sense about me.

The Quest for a Self Portrait

I’m not good at self-portraits. I think it’s hard for anyone to be because as a photographer I like roles too much, so when I’m in front of the camera I don’t want to be myself, I can’t be myself, I have to take on a persona, another person entirely. The biggest problem I find is that I can’t be natural, I’m naturally shy in front of a camera, my persona's aren’t. When you’re photographing someone else there is that chance to catch them when they drop their guard, the second they stop seeing you and regain themselves. There is no opportunity for this in a self-portrait, we know it’s coming, we are consciously aware of what is going on because as soon as the timer goes we need to check the image and rest ourselves, again.

Andrew always teases me about my self-portraits. He says that I look sad in them. I’m not sad, I’m trying to concentrate on relaxing, a very difficult task. With a self-portrait you have a choice of how to show yourself off to the world, we are all flawed, and some of us aren’t ready to delve into who exactly we are, we’d rather present an ideal, what we want everyone to think we are. Now, everyone tries to do this when they’re getting their picture taken, but it comes back to the person on the other side that, if they’re good, sees through and still manages to take everyone unawares. So what are you supposed to do when there is no one on the other side?

This has come about because with my new website I think I need a new portrait. I love the one that is up there now, taken by the amazing Christopher Benjamin, but it’s going on 4 years old now so it’s time for a change.

I think the closest I have coming to a true self portrait is the one of many me’s that I showed in my blog about Identity in Portraits. Each one is a different persona that I enlivened for the camera, none of them are true me but together they are all me.

So here, as soon as you see the title 'Self Portrait' you know it's an act. I'm not really sleeping, how could I be when I'm responsible for the shutter.

If I had actually been sleeping this is what I really look like in the morning, nothing sweet innocent with good hair, although this is a better hair morning than most

I'm not caught off guard by a joke

or taking a picture....well, technically I am taking a picture, just not with the camera I am holding in the picture.

But it's only fair we get to act and present our carefree, spirited ideal image to the world like everyone else, people just tent to be more suspicious when they know that you were the one in charge, you're so much more likely to manipulate to flatter yourself. But aren't we all?

52 Weeks - Week 11

This is what I worked on instead of rushing out a portrait last week. I know it's a bit late but Happy 4th of July.

52 Weeks - Week 9 (A Side of Myself I've Never Seen Before)

Should have been posted last night but we spent the day working on the garden and collapsed last night.

52 Weeks - Week 8

52 Weeks - Week 7 (Inspired by Francesca Woodman)

Due to celebrating the Queen's birthday this weekend, we got a nice long weekend to relax. That means everything for me has been pushed back, hence the mid-week posting of what should have been on Sunday.

I've long admired the work of Francesca Woodman and have used her work as inspiration for this weeks self-portrait.

52 Weeks - Week 6 (4 seconds of my life)

Identity in portraits

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of a portrait, it's something that drew my attention while I was in university at the University of Westminster.

There is an issue with this idea that a portrait can be a true representation. It is, in fact, always influenced by an outside source, the photographer, the viewer, sometimes it's false because the person is showing who they want to be and not what they really are.

There are so many different facets of self, how can someone be represented in one portrait how can someone represent themselves let alone someone else in one image, the only reason we can look at a photograph and say “yes, that is them” is because we have intimate knowledge of that person. We know them, that one image doesn’t actually show them fully as a person but that one image triggers something in our memory, it brings that person to life and that is what makes it a portrait because it makes that person real to those who knew them, it brings them out.

But that’s going to be different for everyone who views that image depending on their relationship to the person in the portrait, whether it’s a business relationship, whether it’s family or a close friend, someone who knew them through charity work, or a drinking buddy from uni, those dynamics change how the portrait is viewed, the message it gives off. For one it could be someone representing those they help, the homeless and less fortunate, for the other it could be reminiscent of the morning after a wild night out, two conflicting messages all from the same image. The memory that’s brought forward is different so it’s still not the same message being sent across through that image.

There can never be just one message given out from a portrait, it’s different, it’s human nature, we are all made up of too many different things for a true portrait to be done in one. As an answer to my dilemma of how I could represent so many different, and often opposing, sides of myself I created this image while I was studying, it doesn't give a complete idea of me but I think it shows me better than any other portrait has.


I'm sorry if some of the above was a bit rambling, my thoughts seem to jumble together sometimes and the easiest way to work it into something cohesive is to get it all out so I can look at it. I've been examining the idea of self and the idea of portraits for a little while now and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life.

52 Weeks - Week 5

52 Weeks - Week 4 (Am I really there)

Recently I've been finding that automatic doors are not opening for me, and on occasions have closed on me, it makes me wondering if I'm invisible.

You can see me, right?

52 Weeks - Week 3 (Jai guru deva)

52 Weeks - Week 2 (Podophobia)

So I'm not afraid of feet but I hate mine. They're too big, whenever I find cute shoes they never actually have them in my size, when I was living in London the only shoes I could buy were sneakers and that's because they were men's shoes.

Besides being way too big they're all tough and hard from running and walking around barefoot all the time, I'm too lazy to paint them so the polish slowly chips away and I'm beyond clumsy, constantly running into things, stubbing my toes, dropping things on my feet.

This is an attempt to reconcile with my feet, they don't like me and I don't like them, but I want to change that and that's why I photographed them for this series, you don't have to like everything about yourself but it's still a part of you. As ugly as they are they get me around and help me run like the wind so they can't be all bad.

I give you, my feet.