The Quest for a Self Portrait

I’m not good at self-portraits. I think it’s hard for anyone to be because as a photographer I like roles too much, so when I’m in front of the camera I don’t want to be myself, I can’t be myself, I have to take on a persona, another person entirely. The biggest problem I find is that I can’t be natural, I’m naturally shy in front of a camera, my persona's aren’t. When you’re photographing someone else there is that chance to catch them when they drop their guard, the second they stop seeing you and regain themselves. There is no opportunity for this in a self-portrait, we know it’s coming, we are consciously aware of what is going on because as soon as the timer goes we need to check the image and rest ourselves, again.

Andrew always teases me about my self-portraits. He says that I look sad in them. I’m not sad, I’m trying to concentrate on relaxing, a very difficult task. With a self-portrait you have a choice of how to show yourself off to the world, we are all flawed, and some of us aren’t ready to delve into who exactly we are, we’d rather present an ideal, what we want everyone to think we are. Now, everyone tries to do this when they’re getting their picture taken, but it comes back to the person on the other side that, if they’re good, sees through and still manages to take everyone unawares. So what are you supposed to do when there is no one on the other side?

This has come about because with my new website I think I need a new portrait. I love the one that is up there now, taken by the amazing Christopher Benjamin, but it’s going on 4 years old now so it’s time for a change.

I think the closest I have coming to a true self portrait is the one of many me’s that I showed in my blog about Identity in Portraits. Each one is a different persona that I enlivened for the camera, none of them are true me but together they are all me.

So here, as soon as you see the title 'Self Portrait' you know it's an act. I'm not really sleeping, how could I be when I'm responsible for the shutter.

If I had actually been sleeping this is what I really look like in the morning, nothing sweet innocent with good hair, although this is a better hair morning than most

I'm not caught off guard by a joke

or taking a picture....well, technically I am taking a picture, just not with the camera I am holding in the picture.

But it's only fair we get to act and present our carefree, spirited ideal image to the world like everyone else, people just tent to be more suspicious when they know that you were the one in charge, you're so much more likely to manipulate to flatter yourself. But aren't we all?